My Christmas Vacation in Florida!

As you know, my grandmother passed away in October. We normally spend Christmas day with her. This year, we knew it would be too hard on us to go back to Watsonville for the holidays so we broke tradition and spent it in Florida with my father, bros, uncles, and aunts!

We spent our first 2 days in Florida in Disneyworld! I went with my mom, Kuya Ares, Ate Marilen, Kuya Ariel, Ate Lhen, and my little cousin Noah. We started with Epcot, then made our way to Magic Kingdom. Our second day, we went to Animal Kingdom. Epcot was what I was looking forward to the most, but it was a huge dissapointment. Lots of walking, and the different country exhibits were not that interesting. Maybe I also didn't like Epcot because halfway through it, my Lupus flare began and my legs formed rashes and started to swell and bruise. I had no choice but to continue walking. We think the flare was brought upon by all the walking. At Magic Kingdom, my mother pushed me in a wheelchair so I can continue on with my vacation (my mom is super awesome that way). I wish we could have spent more time at Magic Kingdom instead of Epcot. The parade was amazing and so was the fireworks show. Tinkerbell even flew from the castle during the fireworks show (I would really hate that job). When we got to the condo we rented for the night, I realized how bad my leg and foot was when I tried to take off my shoe. It had swollen up to twice its size! No wonder I had problems walking! In the morning, my Kuya Ares and mom made breakfast, eggs, hotdog, bacon, and rice. YUM YUM! And it was off to Animal Kingdom! Animal Kingdom was awesome too! But I do wish we had more time there as well. Since I still couldnt walk, I had to be in the wheelchair again, but it scored us awesome seats and front of the line at every event! how's that for silver lining? The Lion King show was AMAZING! It was a quick 30 min show but damn it was good. Now I want to see the Broadway play even more! Finding Nemo was lame. The songs sucked, and if you saw the movie, there's no need to see the show. I almost fell asleep. But my cousin Noah LOVED it!

That night, my mom and I went over to the Gaylord Resort to meet my father, stepmother and brothers. They had a surprise for us, but I didn't know what it was. The resort was BEAUTIFUL! And our surprise was the ICE exhibit and the snow exhibit. The ICE exhibit was awesome. The theme was "'Twas the Night Before Christmas..." All the sculptures were made purely of ice and they gave us parkas because it was below 0 degrees in the exhibit. My leg screamed in pain but I continued on because I was not going to allow Lupus ruin my vacation. Then we went to the snow exhibit. That was lame, cause it was just a bunch of shaved ice piled on each other. However, there were snow cones so that was cool! After the exhibits, we had dinner at this Meditteranean buffet in the resort. There were many selections, but my favorite was the salmon, prime rib, and the pastas that were made to order. I elevated my leg that night in hopes that the swelling would go down. I think that, combined with the luxurious and most comfortable bed I've slept on in my life did the trick! The next morning, the swelling was gone and it was so much less painful to walk. We then went to the Orlando Factory Outlets, were my mom went insane at the Dooney and Bourke outlet store. We also bought gifts for our secret santa exchange. I drew my Ate Marilen, and gave her perfumes from Victoria Secret and a framed picture of her, Kuya Ares and Noah at Disneyworld. And then it was back to Jacksonville!

We spent Christmas eve at my Kuya Ares' house, where too much food was cooked. And then we sang Kareoke (us filipinos LOVE us some kareoke!) The next day, my dad picked me up and I spent Christmas day with them. It was nice to spend a chill day with them. I don't get to see them often, maybe once ever 3-4 years. It hurts that my bros and I barely know each other, but hey, that's the life of a divorced household right? Then I said goodbye to them (at which point I held back tears) and went back to my Kuya Ares' house where I had the time to bond with my cousin Noah. I seriously love that boy! He is so smart and adorable and just the nicest kid ever. He's 3 and knows how to count in diff languages, add numbers, speak in full complete sentences. He even knows the song From A Distance by Bette Midler (which we made him sing during our Kareoke session). I am going to miss watching that boy grow up, I'm sad he doesnt live closer!

We were scheduled to leave 6:30 am the day after Christmas, but it got delayed to 7:01 pm. We knew there would be issues with trying to catch our connecting flight to Sacramento, since we'd only have 10 minutes to catch our flight after the delay. We hoped the gates would be close to each other. But just our luck, the departure gate for Sacramento was at F9. We were in C3, waaaaay across the airport. I tried to run, but my leg wasnt fully healed yet, and I also sprained my foot along the way to F9. I seriously thought we were gonna miss our flight, but just when I was about to give up hope, a guy with one of those electric golf carts came, and I begged him to take us to our gate and he did. We made it to our flight in the nick of time! When we landed, I realized my foot was badly sprained and swollen again, but you know what...it's just the price I paid for the best Christmas ever!

Mom, me, Ate Lhen, Ate Marilen and Noah, eager to start our Disney journey!

My Lupus rashes starting to form at Epcot

Wheelchair bound. = (

The Quiambao Family <3

I love this random candid shot.

My stepmom Auntie Alma, Josh, Ian, Me and my mom at the beginning of the ICE exhibit

Like mother like daughter = )

The Manuel children with their father!

Me and my bros with our snowcones.

The Manuel Family

A Little Ettiquette in the Restaurant PLEASE!

As a server, I PROMISE to do my absolute very best to make sure consumers enjoy their time in our restaurant. But these past few weeks, it has been apperant to me that most of the consumers at our restaurant assume I am their bitch and treat me that way. Yes, I am here to serve you, but keep in mind, I am a person too. I would like to share this article I found on how to be a good restaurant customer:

1
Be friendly. It sounds simple, but many times restaurant guests are so wrapped up in their own dining experience, they forget their server is a human being, too! No, it isn't necessary to carry on a long conversation with your server, but a simple "How is your night going?" may mean the world to your exhausted, burned-out server. A touch of humanity is sometimes more valuable than a $3 tip.

2
Remember your pleases and thank yous. Although you may not intend to sound as though you're ordering your server around, forgetting to say please and thank you can come across that way. When your server refills your water glass in front of you, say thank you instead of just watching her pour it--we've all been there!

3
Don't shoot the messenger. Remember that the hostess may be the first and last person you see at the restaurant, but that doesn't mean she is responsible for the entire restaurant. Similarly, if the restaurant runs out of the cut of steak you had your heart set on that night, your server cannot do anything to change that fact. If you have a legitimate complaint, ask to speak with the manager.

4
Turn off the phone. If you wouldn't answer your cell phone at the dinner table at home, then you shouldn't answer it in a restaurant either. In the case of an urgent call, excuse yourself to take or make the call outside or in the restroom. The absolute last thing you should do is ask your server to hold on while you finish up your call.

5
Lead by example. Use this time to teach your kids how to be good customers. While most restaurants stock soda crackers to go along with soup, they aren't free snacks for your children. Should you bring along your own, be sure to clean up any messes your little ones may make. In general, clean up anything you wouldn't normally leave behind for your server, such as napkins and silverware, especially during busy hours.

6
Tip accordingly. Standard tipping is usually 15-20%. To quickly calculate a tip, find 10% of the total, then double it, which makes 20%. From there you can gauge whether a little less or a little more is sufficient. If you were impressed with your service, this is the time to express that. Remember that your servers depend on your tips to pay their bills--they aren't just volunteering their time to serve you.

Waiting in the Wing

It's Friday night, and I had a completely pleasant evening with my friends Rose and Bri. But I can't shake the feeling that I completely missed a performance. Like instead of cooking or chillin on the couch, I should be waiting in the wing for my entrance onstage. I really miss how my days involving Theatre were always planned out. m-thurs, rehearsals. fri, sat night and sun afternoon, perform. Without theatre in my life, I feel as if I have all the time in the world to meander around. I also feel like I have an arm missing. I can't bring myself to even see the panto this year because I know sitting in the audience will hurt me. My friends in theatre don't understand that. They think I'm being selfish by not going to support them, but at the same time, my heart breaks just thinking about not being able to be up there with them. I've lost a lot of my theatre friends. I guess we never really had much in common besides acting, but that bond of loving our craft brought us closer together. Just because I'm feeling a bit meloncholy right now, I figure I'd share some of my theatre photos:
Puss in Boots: Stage Manager

Performing a piece about my father at Luna's

Improv Class

Fall of X - Mrs. Torres

Alice in Wonderland - Dodo Bird & Mock Turtle

Pinocchio - Blue Fairy

When You Comin'Back Red Ryder? - Angel

The Art of Eating Alone

As an only child being raised by a single parent, I have grown accustomed to being alone a lot. I am quite comfortable watching tv or reading a book or doing errands alone. It's perfectly fine to do these things with noone judging. But the minute I would like to have a meal at a restaurant, judgemental eyes start widening. From the host and the servers and the other guests. I don't care, I walk with my head held high. Why must I have to dine with another person if I want good food? There's no rule that says I can't dine alone. I'm surrounded by many people for a good portion of my days, and sometimes it is nice to take a little quiet me time. For me, being capable of dining out alone is an art since I don't know many people who can do it. = )

Living In a Cage

It has been a very painful week for my body. The cold weather has really affected my joints and and my arthritis is throwing some kind of rager party in my body. Sometimes, I close my eyes and try to remember living life without physical pain or irritation, and it has been so long that I can't remember what it feels like. I was diagnosed with Lupus at 13 so it's been 10 years now. At times, I have wanted to give up like many of the Lupus patients I know. They were so depressed and in pain that they stayed at home and just laid in bed. My mom gave me two options, live like them, or push through it all and attempt to have a "normal" life. I managed to finish hs in a "normal" public school (much to the surprise of my doctors), and it's taking quite a long time, but I'm attempting college. I wish this slow pace of life that I lead could pick up the pace a bit. The most frustrating thing for me is that my mind and soul wants to do something (like run, pick up more shifts at work, sleep later, drink alcohol...etc), but my body limits me from doing so much. I am always being warned to listen to my body and know my limits. Noone ever tells me to push the limits and the minute I do, there's like 10 people pulling me back. My only hope to break free from this cage is that there will be a cure someday. But until then, I will continue to try to tiptoe over my body's limits in secret. I will test the waters with my toe in hopes that one day, I will be able to swim free. = ) I have hope.

Sweet Silver Lining by Kate Voegle

I cried the first time I heard this song. The lyrics express exactly how I feel and what I want to say to the world!

Well I'm going home
downhearted and hoping
i'm close to some new beginnin
I know there's a reason for everything
that comes and goes

But so many people are looking to me
to be strong and to fight
but i'm just surviving
and I may be weak but I'm never defeated
and I'll keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining

most days I try
my best to put on a brave face
but inside
my bones are cold and my heart breaks
but all the while
something's keeping me safe
and alive

But so many people are looking to me
to be strong and to fight
but i'm just surviving
and I may be weak but I'm never defeated
and I'll keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining

and I won't give up like this
I will be given strengh
now that I've found it
nothing can take that away

Happy Birthday Kelly!

In honor of one of my best friend's birthday, I decided to list 10 reasons why I adore her! (even though there are more than 10 reasons, but I'm tired and wanna go to bed hehe)

1.) Her laugh is infectious!
2.) She is as much as a hopeless romantic as I am, though she'll never admit it to anyone else but me.
3.) Her italian accent is way cooler than mine.
4.) She is very patient with me.
5.) She shares my love for country music.
6.) The fact that she is passionate about being a teacher.
7.) Her listening skills are amazing.
8.) She has the ability to bring fun to any situation.
9.) Her talent of memorizing everyone's birthday (except Amy's neices and nephews.)
10.) Her kindness and loyalty as a friend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLY!!!!!!!!

1st Love

For as long as I can remember, I have been inlove with theatre. I have studied, analyzed, and lived the art of theatre since I was 6. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always answered with a firm, "a professional actor." Due to complications from Lupus, I have to give that dream up. Ever since I realized that I had to find a new dream, I feel this disconnect from the world and everything around me. As if I'm walking this world lost. I am eager to find another calling, but I can't imagine ever being happy doing anything else besides theatre. Ive tried to fill this void in my soul with friends, and the gym, and scrapbooking, but nothing is filling it. I had my final show last Thursday and it was heartbreaking to let go of something that makes who I am. My first and true love wasn't Michael...it's Theatre. Maybe someday we'll meet again my love...thank you for everything you have given to me. I will carry you with me for the rest of my life.

Halfway There!!!

Yup...that was me in Feb. this year. 244 lbs and miserable! Thanks to a lot of will power, inner strength and a fabulous trainer, Justin, I am now 192lbs! I am halfway to my goal of losing 100 lbs! I am so proud of myself for getting this far! I know a lot of people doubted me and thought I was going to fail, and I am so happy that I am proving them wrong. The best part of me being able to lose all this weight is that I am doing it the right and healthy way. As a recovering bulimic, it has been an uphill battle to do this the right way. I'll admit, there are down days and I feel horrible for what I ate and I purge, but those days are fewer and fewer. I know I will struggle with it for the rest of my life, but there's hope. 50 more lbs to go and I will FINALLY hit my goal! Wish me luck!

Can People Change?

My license plate frame on the back of my car says, "If you're gonna be riding my ass, you better be pulling my hair." At the time, I was 20 and very stupid. I actually thought putting that on my car would make me come off as sexy. Now when I look at it, I am washed over with shame and I'm very disgusted with myself. It seems like it was a lifetime ago, but it really wasn't that long ago. I've done everything in my power to make myself a better person and I feel that I am. Except for my slip up with Sean, I stopped using sex as an escape from my problems. I confront my problems head on and I've stopped hiding and I feel stronger than ever before. And just when I've forgotten that person I used to be, I get a text message from some ex booty call asking to hook up. Because of choices I made in the past, I'm still percieved as a slut. What does a girl have to do to be looked at another way? Because of my mistakes, it's like I have no chance for redemption. I feel I've changed, but because others can't forget who I was, I feel like that holds me from really changing.

return (again) to the world of blogging

I forgot about my blog again, and my cousin reminded me of it yesterday at the thanksgiving party. probably at the perfect time too, because i've been struggling with something i feel i can't really show to people. last month, my grandmother passed away. i haven't felt the same ever since. i have this empty space in my soul and heart that i can't seem to fill. she's the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing i think about at night. i miss her so much. i see things that remind me of her everyday and it takes everything in my power not to break down and cry. but i can't express this to anyone, especially my mother. i already had a lupus flare because of the stress and depression from this tragedy. i have to stay strong for my family, esp my mom. she gets so sad and stressed when im sick. but im not superwoman. i have emotions that are full of ups and downs, but i can't allow them in. once again, lupus runs my life. i miss my grandma mary, and this thanksgiving was my first one without her. and it was the hardest thanksgiving of my life.

return to the world of blogging

a good friend of mine completely reminded me that i have a blog. im sorry i neglected you blog! = ) so much has happened since my last entry that i dont know where to begin. the gym is going well...my trainer just had his first baby. so weird to see him as a father. but im very happy for him and his fam. i reconnected with an old friend k.f. and we've become good friends and through her, i got close to r.p. which im so thankful for. allowing myself to open up and have friends again has been really good for me. we have these tuesday night wine nights which are heaven because i have school all day tuesday and thursdays, and sometimes those wine nights that i look forward to is what keeps me going on tuesdays. that's another thing that's new with me...school. with my lupus under control, i am back in full effect at school with a full course load. im surviving pretty decently and i love the feeling of normalcy and that i can actually do it. i remember when my ex m.f. doubted my ability to commit to school and do well. he always told me i wasnt meant to make something of myself through school. i would just probably marry someone and be a housewife. dont get me wrong, i would still love to be a housewife...but i do wanna get my degree and be able to fall back on something because knowing my luck, the guy i marry will probably be a douchebag, and im gonna need to support myself after the divorce = ) speaking of douchebag, the constant one in my life s.h. is still present. talking to him is like being on a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs and turnarounds. i can't help it, i've fallen for him. i can't seem to shake him out of my life no matter how hard i try. noone really understands why i still put up with him, and if i was looking at my situation from the outside...i wouldnt either. but there's something about s.h. that continues to pull me in and for as many jerky things he says and does to me, he also has as many sweet moments with me that make it worth it to stay. i dunno...maybe im just a sick being addicted to heartbreak. in any case...im young, i should be testing out the waters with people right?

music is a big part of my life

i find a lot of strength and inspiration from songs. and sometimes i second guess a lot of the decisions i've made. whenever i get sad and think choosing to be single was a big mistake, i always find strength in this song. it's called consider me gone, by reba:



Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper
than the weather I can feel you all but shutting down
And when I need an explanation for the silence
You just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear
We're at a crossroad here

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this
Then I guess were done Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you I've always been wide open
like a window or an ocean
there was nothing I ever tried to hide
So when you leave me not knowing where you're going
I start thinking that we're looking we're looking at goodbye
How 'bout a strong shot of honesty Don't you owe that to me

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this
Then I guess were done Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

Consider me a memory
Consider me the past
Consider me a smile in an old photograph
Someone who used to make you laugh

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess were done Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone
Consider me gone
Consider me gone
Just consider me gone

sore!

i'd just like to share with you all, that every muscle on my body is sore. = ( please, shoot me now.

LANE STEALER!!!!

Uuuuuuugggghhhhhh! One of new found cardio love is swimming. I'm not exactly the best swimmer, I do the "crawl" when I swim. It's an exhausting workout, and I absolutely love it! But I am very slow, so I don't feel comfortable sharing a lane. That is why I prefer to swim during the wee hour of 1 or 2 am. So I go today and there's one lane open, and I quickly hop in. Ten minutes into my workout, this douchebag totally jumps in my lane and splashes around making the water difficult to swim in. So I get out, hoping the jerk will get out soon and I can resume my workout. He gets out after five minutes, and I jump back in. After one lap, the guy does a cannonball into my lane again, almost causing me to drown! So I got super pissed and just got out! Why can't people friggin wait their turn?

Let the blogging begin!!!!

Well, here I am. I managed to find myself in the world of blogging, mainly because I don't really want to annoy the crap out of my existing friends. And because, I honestly don't know anyone who can really relate to the things I'm currently going through. I'm not necessarily looking for advice or sympathy. I'm looking for an outlet. A place I'm free to express how I feel and say exactly what I want to say without the worry of someone scrutinizing everything I am saying.

Today has been a roller coaster ride of issues. It was supposed to be good, it started out good enough. I spent it with one of my best friend's K. I watched some twilight (btw, not that bad of a series), and then made my way to the gym. I look forward to my sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays, because I managed to luck into finding a trainer that's absolutely perfect for me. A big part of it has to be because we're close in age, and without a doubt, he has some INCREDIBLE ability to always have patience with me. I should've known what a crappy day it was gonna be when I looked in the mirror that morning. I looked like a bum. I went in and was about to start my second cardio of the day, when stupid me realized I didn't wear any deodorant that morning. Trust me, deodorant is crucial for me. I sweat profusely, and so not in a girly way when I'm at the gym. So I go out and get my deodorant and just sat in my car and enjoyed the sun, ultimately deciding to skip my cardio before my training session. Training went well, I managed to keep up with everything. And then I stepped on the scale...

I GAINED TWO POUNDS!!! Here's the baffeling part...because I have no time for much, I have eaten next to nothing and have been doing nothing but killing myself both at the gym and at work. And I managed to gain weight still! I don't understand how this can be. And I've been hating myself ever since I got home. I've dedicated everything I am and have to this journey I'm on, and it's not treating me very well. There's a lot of ups and downs and it's really not fair. I really want to give up and say peace out to the whole thing, since I know I don't have to go through all this pain to gain weight. I can do that the pleasurable way. But something inside me wants to keep fighting. I can do this and accomplish my goal. I have to. I refuse to continue living my life as a fat ass. It has cost me a lot of opportunities in life and love. I just need to find the strength to dig down deep and fight through it.