Living In a Cage

It has been a very painful week for my body. The cold weather has really affected my joints and and my arthritis is throwing some kind of rager party in my body. Sometimes, I close my eyes and try to remember living life without physical pain or irritation, and it has been so long that I can't remember what it feels like. I was diagnosed with Lupus at 13 so it's been 10 years now. At times, I have wanted to give up like many of the Lupus patients I know. They were so depressed and in pain that they stayed at home and just laid in bed. My mom gave me two options, live like them, or push through it all and attempt to have a "normal" life. I managed to finish hs in a "normal" public school (much to the surprise of my doctors), and it's taking quite a long time, but I'm attempting college. I wish this slow pace of life that I lead could pick up the pace a bit. The most frustrating thing for me is that my mind and soul wants to do something (like run, pick up more shifts at work, sleep later, drink alcohol...etc), but my body limits me from doing so much. I am always being warned to listen to my body and know my limits. Noone ever tells me to push the limits and the minute I do, there's like 10 people pulling me back. My only hope to break free from this cage is that there will be a cure someday. But until then, I will continue to try to tiptoe over my body's limits in secret. I will test the waters with my toe in hopes that one day, I will be able to swim free. = ) I have hope.