Out With the Old and In With the New

Today was my last day with my current trainer. I feel bad that I was snippy and a bit bitter but I've never been very good about hiding my feelings. I am happy that he received the promotion because he deserves it but I can't help but feel like I received the short end of the stick. I got to know and learned to work with him, and I allowed myself to be vulnerable because I need to let my walls down in order for this whole training thing to work. And now the process has to start all over again. I think what bugs me the most is that I feel like I wasn't good enough to make the cut. He keeps trying to tell me that he still has my back and that it's not like he's going anywhere, but I know that it's not true. He's going to be doing manager things and I'm going to be continuing this journey with another person. I also know myself very well...to stop feeling hurt or betrayed, I delete the people out of my life who caused those feelings. I'm very good at breaking away and pretending like a friendship or any type of relation that happened never occurred. I know it's petty but it's self preservation. It's better than having my feelings hurt. I start on Tuesday with a brand new trainer and I'm really hoping this trainer will help me reach my goal so I don't have to go through the process of getting to know and adjusting to new trainers again. It is exhausting having to constantly adapt.

Changes

I feel a little guilty that I only blog when I feel like I have no control over things. I really need to get in the habit of continuing this blog. Although now, my "blogging" is mostly done through pictures on Instagram. I guess that counts. I find myself back on the blogging path mainly because there are so many changes that are happening in my life that are beyond my control. Let's start with my work life. I started working for the state about a year ago. It's not the stage I want to be performing in, but I get amazing health coverage which I needed to find for my own when I realized that I will not be getting married anytime soon. There are changes that are coming up with regards to succession planning (getting a new boss), my current boss getting heart surgery and his status becoming unknown, moving to a different floor...etc. All these things I have no control of but basically have to go along with the flow. I'm nervous as all hell with the impending changes but I really have to be a big girl and just roll along even if I love the way things are right now. The single life is something I have grown to appreciate. It has forced me to become fiercely independent and it has led me to discover what a force I am. Sure it sucks that I don't have an automatic partner for things like when I want to see a show or whatever but all in all...If that's the least of my issues with being single, I will take it! Weightloss. I started working with a trainer again and it's not my previous trainer who I basically loved and who became such a good friend. At first I resented my current trainer for not being anything like my previous one but I realized how unfair I was being. Once I accepted that the two trainers were different, I began to appreciate and enjoy working with my trainer. He kicks my ass a lot harder and doesn't baby me as much. Just when I felt comfortable and trust him, I was informed that I am being reassigned to a new trainer because my current one received a promotion. With every single change that is happening in my life, this was the final straw that made me feel like I am losing control. It's nothing against my upcoming new trainer because I'm sure he's a great guy, but just the process of having to adapt to a new training style again and having to have to get to know someone new just makes me feel exhausted. Training is supposed to be simple...you sign up, get a trainer, and lose the weight. And what irks me the most is that I get reassigned because I don't have seniority. I feel unwanted pretty much and pissed off as all hell. At this point I am hoping that my original trainer that I started working with when I began this journey years ago will walk in to save the day. But I've managed to lose 20 pounds since I signed up again 2 months ago. At least that's a step in the right direction. That's all the changes that are currently happening in my life. I really hope I get a grip soon and adapt before anyone notices that I am basically losing my composure.

"I'm a Purple Girl Too"

Yesterday, was the Walk for Lupus Now event in San Francisco that was brought together by the Lupus Foundation. It is the first time I've ever been surrounded by so many people who are affected with Lupus, and where everyone knew what it was. No one was scared of it, and everyone was celebrating the fight people who suffer from this disease put up everyday and as well as coming together in order to find a cure. As I was face painting, I was able to pick up bits and pieces of people's stories and own personal journeys with Lupus. It was inspiring to hear how different people cope with their illness and how they've adjusted to Lupus. Probably the most touching moment for me was when a little girl who couldn't be more than 5 or 6 looked at me with her tired eyes and told me that she was a purple girl, indicating that she has lupus. I had to hold back tears because from personal experience, I know the uphill battle that this little girl has to climb. That innocent face shouldn't have to deal with the cruelties that Lupus can bring. Hearing everyone talk about their own personal journeys made me realize that not many people in my life besides a few family members and Rose and Kelly really know what I go through, and what my story is with Lupus. Everyone knows I have Lupus, but not many know my journey. The stories of others have inspired me to have a renewed strength in order to fight and live my life and reach all the dreams that I have that most have deemed to be the impossible because of my condition.

I was in middle school when I first started to feel the symptoms of Lupus. I had just moved to Sacramento, and was really stressed out with the move, trying to fit in, and having to sing a solo in a play I was in. I found my way in the popular click and was doing things that I knew were morally wrong like making fun of others that weren't part of our group or making it a point to exclude people and laughing at those that were already humiliated. I never instigated any of the bullying but I never stopped it either. I think that's why I kind of cringe when people today tell me I'm a good person because I always think back to all those moments I made someone feel less about themselves. I was really struggling with who I was becoming and felt really stressed out with everything that I was dealing with. I think all that stress finally took a toll on me and triggered my Lupus flare because I remember riding the bus home from school and started to feel the joints behind my knees tingle and by the time I got off the bus, the tingling feeling became a really bad burning sensation as if I did leg curls endlessly. I felt completely wiped out walking back to our apartment and I remember being so exhausted that I couldn't even hold the key up to unlock the door. My body was so weak and jelly like that it took two hands for me to hold the key to the lock and unlock the door. I threw my bags down and took a nap hoping I would be better afterwards. I woke up at around 8 pm and I remember screaming in pain because every single joint and muscle in my body was on fire. I remember yelling for my mom and feeling helpless because she wasn't home from work yet and I was in so much pain that I couldn't get out of bed. The pain had become so intense that I was completely paralyzed on my bed blacking in and out of pain. I honestly thought at that moment I was going to die because I started having flashbacks of my life and everyone says that the moment before you die, that's what happens.

The next thing I can recall from that day was laying in the backseat of the car while my mom drove me to the emergency room. I guess by then my mom had come home and was worried about my condition. In the emergency room I continued to black out from the pain because they wouldn't give me anything until they found out why I was in so much pain. When they couldn't say for sure what was wrong with me, they released me with some pain meds, and finally the fire in my body had subsided. I thought it was finally over and my problems had been solved. I was still tired when I went back to school, but I felt no pain, so to me life was good. A few weeks later, still completely fatigued, I remember laying in bed and starting to feel the same tingling feeling in my joints again. I knew this time what was going on and started to cry. I took the pain meds that were prescribed and hoped that it would make it go away. But it didn't work and pretty soon I was feeling the same burning sensations in my joints again and I felt like I was being suffocated this time. My mom wasted no time and took me to my pediatrician again so we could get some answers. I remember laying on a gurney while my mom and pediatrician told me to try and sleep because I had been up all night. I heard my pediatrician say that she had a feeling that what I had was Lupus and referred me to UCSF where they have a Pediatric Rheumatology that could diagnose me for sure.

My mom and I were at UCSF in no time in order to get a diagnosis. I remember sitting in the room when the Doctor told me that it was confirmed that I had Lupus, and they needed to admit me into the hospital to check my organs and make sure no damage was done yet. I was relieved when they told me I had Lupus. I'm sure most would feel despair or sad, but I just felt that now they knew what was wrong with me, now they can fix it. If only it could have been that simple. The next days I spent in the hospital are the days that have been imprinted in my mind. Each day, a different doctor, specialist, and counselor came in to brief me on Lupus. They told me there was no cure, I was going to be on medication that will make me gain weight, and I had to be careful with getting sick because my immune system is over active and I will have a tough time with fighting off viruses and bacteria. They told me I had to avoid stress, stay out of the sun, and one doctor told me a story about this girl who was pushed in gym class and she fell on her side and broke all her bones that she fell. I walked out of the hospital feeling no hope. They told me the biggest thing to avoid was stress, but I was 13. I wasn't even in high school yet, how did they expect me not to be stressed out? I remember sitting on the couch at home and feeling like I had no future anymore.

But I have a future...my life might have different hurdles and obstacles that I have to navigate my way through, but it's still doable. Yesterday gave me even more proof that I can have a future like everyone else. It sounds cliche but if there's a will there's a way. If I keep getting sick and dropped from classes, there's online classes for me to take to get around that. If I can't be in the sun, there are hats, umbrellas and I live in the City of Trees so I can walk under the shade. If my doctor won't medically release me to work unless there are restrictions, then find a job that will be okay with those restrictions. The point is, I gotta keep moving forward because I told that little girl that everything will be okay. I'm not one to go back on my word, and I want to make sure that if I am ever to run into that girl again, that I can give her hope and ensure that things will be okay.

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Stand Still and Look Happy

Sometimes I look at the people around me and wonder if they feel the pain I feel. Or if they've ever felt the pain. It doesn't have to be heartache, it could be regret, grief, loneliness, despair, any kind of pain. And I wonder if why they hide behind a smile. Sometimes, I can look at a smiling person, but see so much sorrow in their eyes. I was getting ready for a Halloween party yesterday and I was putting on my make up and I was happy with how my make up had turned out. So I took a look in the mirror and caught my eye's reflection. I didn't recognize it anymore. I used to really like my eyes. I would always accentuate them when I would put my eye shadow on. Or I'd always have to put at least eye liner on because I always felt like my eyes were my best feature. But the eyes that stared back at me yesterday, weren't the eyes that I love. They looked lost and sad. And it reminded me of every time I saw pain through someone else's eyes behind the smile. I wonder if other people feel my pain when they see my eyes. I wonder if they can tell no matter how I put on my brave face and try my best to conquer the world. I've never lost sparkle out of my eyes, and I have faced a lot of shit in my life. I was in the ICU and my nurse said she loved taking care of me even if I was all intubated because my eyes were still happy and full of joy unlike the other person she was taking care of. I'm angry that I am strong enough to stare death in the face multiple times and fight back, but at the same time I'm too weak to get over a simple heart break. I'm angry that I'd rather face my disease then this because at least with Lupus, I have a fighting chance. I am able to charge forward and fight to stay alive. I'm angry that I continue to crumble emotionally and I can barely keep it together. I'm angry that nothing I do is making me feel better. I'm angry that a man who isn't even good enough for me and who basically treated me like crap was someone my heart fell in love with. I'm angry at my eyes for not being able to hide my pain better. I'm so mad at him and myself for allowing myself to be full of all this negativity. Every time I feel my chest tighten and my eyes begin to water, I become enraged. I hate that the sound of his name still cripples me. And most of all, I hate how healing this pain is completely out of my control. I can't bandage it up, I can't fix it myself, there's no medicine I can take to make it feel better. I can only do temporary fixes like drink to numb the pain, or distract myself. I feel frazzled because I constantly have to plan every single moment of my day so that it's filled, and I won't have time to realize how much my heart hurts. I smile for people and appear happy for people because it would just be awkward if the person in front of me could really see how much pain I'm really in. Everyone keeps telling me it's okay to be sad or that I'm so strong, and it makes me wanna punch something. Because I wonder what they would do if they really saw the state my emotions are in. I'm soooooooooo not strong at all. And it's not okay to continue being like this. This is not the life I deserve. I have fought way too hard to be living in this internal hell. But wht frustrates me the most is that there's nothing I can do but stand here and smile and wait until my heart heals.

I am not that strong

I am in so much pain emotionally. I hurt, so much, I cry all the time. It is becoming unbearable. I have anxiety attacks, and I can't breathe a lot of the time. I have to constantly hold my composure and collect myself so I don't fall apart in public. When I'm alone, the amount of heartache overwhelms me and I am in tears. I can't turn to my friends because they really don't wanna hear about it, and honestly there's nothing they can really say to make it all go away and I really don't like having to depress them. But that's what I am...depressed. I can't find a way out of this. I have tried to do EVERYTHING to get my mind off of him and to try to cure my heartache but nothing is working. I can't find a way out of this. I have contemplated killing myself to end this pain I feel multiple times. But I couldn't do that to my mother. I pray for amnesia on a nightly basis so I can forget everything and not feel this way anymore. I just want the pain to stop. It hurts just as much as it did when we broke up...and it's driving me crazy. I've tackled so many more hardships in my life and I cannot understand why I cannot move past this. I have never felt so low and defeated in my life. My fighting spirit has completely disappeared and I hurt. I don't know how to get out of this...I just want it all to end. I want some relief. I cannot do this anymore. I am not strong enough to withstand this...I don't wanna do it anymore.

The Facade of Being Okay

What exactly is the timeline for getting over someone? I thought for sure after a month, I would be back to normal again. If not normal, I thought at least the pain of the breakup would be less. But I'm not back to normal, and the pain is still just as fresh as when it happened. It stings, it lingers, it paralyzes me. I have done everything I can to try to be over this. I've hung out with friends, gone out and partied, went shopping, crossed stuff off my bucket list, gone to the gym almost everyday, and poured myself into my studies and paving a path for my future. I have a brave face on in front of everyone cause I know not everyone wants to hear about it. I try to keep it all inside me and not let anyone see my pain, because it is just uncomfortable for everyone. And exactly what can that do besides make the mood depressed. Today during dinner, they were asking why I was so sad, I thought I'd give it a try and say why I was sad, and not even halfway through, the topic was changed and I didn't get to finish. So message loud and clear, no one wants to hear it. So I put on my brave face and smile and party and drink my issues away. But it is getting harder and harder to hide it. I notice tears start flowing out of nowhere and it's harder to keep them in. It's becoming way too expensive to keep going out and drinking, and it doesn't help that once that happy buzz starts to fade, it is replaced with my true emotions only 10 times stronger. I have tried to talk to a couple people out of it, but reactions I get are "you should be over it by now," or "you're so strong," or my favorite, "get over it already." First of all, if I could get over it, don't you think I would get over it? It's not like I enjoy being crippled with pain. There's nothing I want more than to be past this and I especially want to stop the tears. Second, there's nothing strong about me. The minute I am alone, I completely fall apart. I cry myself to sleep, and I cry when I wake up if I am able to have fallen asleep. I'm exhausted because at most I get 2 hours of sleep. I'm so close to being manic that I don't recognize my actions anymore. There's nothing strong about me. I'm lost and completely broken down. I can't even open up my heart or mind to the possibility of a new person in my life. I'm scared of allowing someone to come in again, that the minute anyone shows interest, or touches me, or asks me for my number, I shut down. I want so badly to be open to the possibility of a new man, but I physically can't do it. My heart continues to break every time it enters my mind that Ray is no longer in my life and I must start over again. It's hard to accept that I was ready for a life with him and he wasn't but took so long to come to that conclusion. It kills me to know that I wasn't good enough for him and it scares me to enter into another relationship and end up not being good enough for that person either. I'm terrified of being broken down even more than I am right now. No amount of alcohol can mask my fear and heartbreak. People say I'm lucky to have loved, but I think people have it wrong. The lucky ones are the people that have loved and was loved back. Because to love someone with all your heart, and not have it be returned is more pain that I would ever wish on my greatest enemy.

Wear My Heart On My Sleeve Much?

I used to laugh at people, or even get annoyed at those who used Facebook as a venting mechanism. But I get it now. When I write about how I feel and what's going on, and someone reaches out, I feel stronger. I feel like I can do this. It's a comfort to know that others know exactly how I feel and that there are people supporting me. When I'm at my lowest of low, there are people in my life willing to pick me up and those are the people that matter. If I bottled it all in, and didn't use this blog or Facebook as an outlet, I seriously doubt I'd be able to get out of bed. Trying to save my relationship these past couple of months has made me less of a person. I became someone who felt that everything I did was wrong and that I was not worthy of love and respect. These past 24 hours, I've been able to slowly pick myself back up with the support of my family and friends. I'm not as alone as I thought as I was. I doubt I would be able to stand back up if I didn't vent. Never again will I laugh at those who express how they feel on Facebook. Like me, they are in need of support. I know it is not going to be easy to get myself back to where I was, but I need to work on it. I need to get myself to be stronger than ever and work on becoming a better me. I need to plan my next move in life to make a better future for myself. I'm lucky to have the family and friends in my life who I can lean on. I'm thankful that despite the heartache I feel right now, I am still able accept love from my family and friends.