Stand Still and Look Happy

Sometimes I look at the people around me and wonder if they feel the pain I feel. Or if they've ever felt the pain. It doesn't have to be heartache, it could be regret, grief, loneliness, despair, any kind of pain. And I wonder if why they hide behind a smile. Sometimes, I can look at a smiling person, but see so much sorrow in their eyes. I was getting ready for a Halloween party yesterday and I was putting on my make up and I was happy with how my make up had turned out. So I took a look in the mirror and caught my eye's reflection. I didn't recognize it anymore. I used to really like my eyes. I would always accentuate them when I would put my eye shadow on. Or I'd always have to put at least eye liner on because I always felt like my eyes were my best feature. But the eyes that stared back at me yesterday, weren't the eyes that I love. They looked lost and sad. And it reminded me of every time I saw pain through someone else's eyes behind the smile. I wonder if other people feel my pain when they see my eyes. I wonder if they can tell no matter how I put on my brave face and try my best to conquer the world. I've never lost sparkle out of my eyes, and I have faced a lot of shit in my life. I was in the ICU and my nurse said she loved taking care of me even if I was all intubated because my eyes were still happy and full of joy unlike the other person she was taking care of. I'm angry that I am strong enough to stare death in the face multiple times and fight back, but at the same time I'm too weak to get over a simple heart break. I'm angry that I'd rather face my disease then this because at least with Lupus, I have a fighting chance. I am able to charge forward and fight to stay alive. I'm angry that I continue to crumble emotionally and I can barely keep it together. I'm angry that nothing I do is making me feel better. I'm angry that a man who isn't even good enough for me and who basically treated me like crap was someone my heart fell in love with. I'm angry at my eyes for not being able to hide my pain better. I'm so mad at him and myself for allowing myself to be full of all this negativity. Every time I feel my chest tighten and my eyes begin to water, I become enraged. I hate that the sound of his name still cripples me. And most of all, I hate how healing this pain is completely out of my control. I can't bandage it up, I can't fix it myself, there's no medicine I can take to make it feel better. I can only do temporary fixes like drink to numb the pain, or distract myself. I feel frazzled because I constantly have to plan every single moment of my day so that it's filled, and I won't have time to realize how much my heart hurts. I smile for people and appear happy for people because it would just be awkward if the person in front of me could really see how much pain I'm really in. Everyone keeps telling me it's okay to be sad or that I'm so strong, and it makes me wanna punch something. Because I wonder what they would do if they really saw the state my emotions are in. I'm soooooooooo not strong at all. And it's not okay to continue being like this. This is not the life I deserve. I have fought way too hard to be living in this internal hell. But wht frustrates me the most is that there's nothing I can do but stand here and smile and wait until my heart heals.