I am not that strong

I am in so much pain emotionally. I hurt, so much, I cry all the time. It is becoming unbearable. I have anxiety attacks, and I can't breathe a lot of the time. I have to constantly hold my composure and collect myself so I don't fall apart in public. When I'm alone, the amount of heartache overwhelms me and I am in tears. I can't turn to my friends because they really don't wanna hear about it, and honestly there's nothing they can really say to make it all go away and I really don't like having to depress them. But that's what I am...depressed. I can't find a way out of this. I have tried to do EVERYTHING to get my mind off of him and to try to cure my heartache but nothing is working. I can't find a way out of this. I have contemplated killing myself to end this pain I feel multiple times. But I couldn't do that to my mother. I pray for amnesia on a nightly basis so I can forget everything and not feel this way anymore. I just want the pain to stop. It hurts just as much as it did when we broke up...and it's driving me crazy. I've tackled so many more hardships in my life and I cannot understand why I cannot move past this. I have never felt so low and defeated in my life. My fighting spirit has completely disappeared and I hurt. I don't know how to get out of this...I just want it all to end. I want some relief. I cannot do this anymore. I am not strong enough to withstand this...I don't wanna do it anymore.