Out With the Old and In With the New

Today was my last day with my current trainer. I feel bad that I was snippy and a bit bitter but I've never been very good about hiding my feelings. I am happy that he received the promotion because he deserves it but I can't help but feel like I received the short end of the stick. I got to know and learned to work with him, and I allowed myself to be vulnerable because I need to let my walls down in order for this whole training thing to work. And now the process has to start all over again. I think what bugs me the most is that I feel like I wasn't good enough to make the cut. He keeps trying to tell me that he still has my back and that it's not like he's going anywhere, but I know that it's not true. He's going to be doing manager things and I'm going to be continuing this journey with another person. I also know myself very well...to stop feeling hurt or betrayed, I delete the people out of my life who caused those feelings. I'm very good at breaking away and pretending like a friendship or any type of relation that happened never occurred. I know it's petty but it's self preservation. It's better than having my feelings hurt. I start on Tuesday with a brand new trainer and I'm really hoping this trainer will help me reach my goal so I don't have to go through the process of getting to know and adjusting to new trainers again. It is exhausting having to constantly adapt.

Changes

I feel a little guilty that I only blog when I feel like I have no control over things. I really need to get in the habit of continuing this blog. Although now, my "blogging" is mostly done through pictures on Instagram. I guess that counts. I find myself back on the blogging path mainly because there are so many changes that are happening in my life that are beyond my control. Let's start with my work life. I started working for the state about a year ago. It's not the stage I want to be performing in, but I get amazing health coverage which I needed to find for my own when I realized that I will not be getting married anytime soon. There are changes that are coming up with regards to succession planning (getting a new boss), my current boss getting heart surgery and his status becoming unknown, moving to a different floor...etc. All these things I have no control of but basically have to go along with the flow. I'm nervous as all hell with the impending changes but I really have to be a big girl and just roll along even if I love the way things are right now. The single life is something I have grown to appreciate. It has forced me to become fiercely independent and it has led me to discover what a force I am. Sure it sucks that I don't have an automatic partner for things like when I want to see a show or whatever but all in all...If that's the least of my issues with being single, I will take it! Weightloss. I started working with a trainer again and it's not my previous trainer who I basically loved and who became such a good friend. At first I resented my current trainer for not being anything like my previous one but I realized how unfair I was being. Once I accepted that the two trainers were different, I began to appreciate and enjoy working with my trainer. He kicks my ass a lot harder and doesn't baby me as much. Just when I felt comfortable and trust him, I was informed that I am being reassigned to a new trainer because my current one received a promotion. With every single change that is happening in my life, this was the final straw that made me feel like I am losing control. It's nothing against my upcoming new trainer because I'm sure he's a great guy, but just the process of having to adapt to a new training style again and having to have to get to know someone new just makes me feel exhausted. Training is supposed to be simple...you sign up, get a trainer, and lose the weight. And what irks me the most is that I get reassigned because I don't have seniority. I feel unwanted pretty much and pissed off as all hell. At this point I am hoping that my original trainer that I started working with when I began this journey years ago will walk in to save the day. But I've managed to lose 20 pounds since I signed up again 2 months ago. At least that's a step in the right direction. That's all the changes that are currently happening in my life. I really hope I get a grip soon and adapt before anyone notices that I am basically losing my composure.