Now What?

When I'm in a relationship, I don't really think about the end result. That said, I share my culture, interests, beliefs, wants, and dreams with my significant other. For me, I feel like it's a way to bring us closer when we share things with each other. I don't think about what happens when relationships end...how everything I've shared with that person, or learned from that person will just serve as a constant reminder of what we had. I'm afraid to turn on the TV because a product or a show will remind me of him. I know listening to the radio is risky because I can't control what song comes on and songs that remind me of him could potentially cause me to have a breakdown. He lives like one block away from my school, and my pharmacy, and now I'm dreading going back to those places. Redbox is out because it will just remind me of our Redbox nights. Cooking will be difficult to do for a while, because a lot of the tips I learned to be a better cook, I learned from him. We drank Dr. Pepper like it was crack, so that's probably a no go either. San Francisco depresses me because that's where we always went to get away. Hello Kitty mocks me because now even she reminds me of him. So, now with feeling this way...I feel ruined. I am afraid to let someone in that close and allow myself to be vulnerable to them. A huge part of me has to be put on hold for a little while because if I do anything that reminds me of him, it hurts way too much. I was told I need to feel the pain and let in sink in to really move on. But I don't want to feel this kind of pain anymore. I want to be able to enjoy the things I usually enjoy without thinking about him. I want the memories to go away so I can heal. Next time I promise myself I will not let anyone in the way I let him in. I refuse to give such a huge part of myself. The risk is greater than the reward. I cannot go through this again.