Wear My Heart On My Sleeve Much?

I used to laugh at people, or even get annoyed at those who used Facebook as a venting mechanism. But I get it now. When I write about how I feel and what's going on, and someone reaches out, I feel stronger. I feel like I can do this. It's a comfort to know that others know exactly how I feel and that there are people supporting me. When I'm at my lowest of low, there are people in my life willing to pick me up and those are the people that matter. If I bottled it all in, and didn't use this blog or Facebook as an outlet, I seriously doubt I'd be able to get out of bed. Trying to save my relationship these past couple of months has made me less of a person. I became someone who felt that everything I did was wrong and that I was not worthy of love and respect. These past 24 hours, I've been able to slowly pick myself back up with the support of my family and friends. I'm not as alone as I thought as I was. I doubt I would be able to stand back up if I didn't vent. Never again will I laugh at those who express how they feel on Facebook. Like me, they are in need of support. I know it is not going to be easy to get myself back to where I was, but I need to work on it. I need to get myself to be stronger than ever and work on becoming a better me. I need to plan my next move in life to make a better future for myself. I'm lucky to have the family and friends in my life who I can lean on. I'm thankful that despite the heartache I feel right now, I am still able accept love from my family and friends.

Now What?

When I'm in a relationship, I don't really think about the end result. That said, I share my culture, interests, beliefs, wants, and dreams with my significant other. For me, I feel like it's a way to bring us closer when we share things with each other. I don't think about what happens when relationships end...how everything I've shared with that person, or learned from that person will just serve as a constant reminder of what we had. I'm afraid to turn on the TV because a product or a show will remind me of him. I know listening to the radio is risky because I can't control what song comes on and songs that remind me of him could potentially cause me to have a breakdown. He lives like one block away from my school, and my pharmacy, and now I'm dreading going back to those places. Redbox is out because it will just remind me of our Redbox nights. Cooking will be difficult to do for a while, because a lot of the tips I learned to be a better cook, I learned from him. We drank Dr. Pepper like it was crack, so that's probably a no go either. San Francisco depresses me because that's where we always went to get away. Hello Kitty mocks me because now even she reminds me of him. So, now with feeling this way...I feel ruined. I am afraid to let someone in that close and allow myself to be vulnerable to them. A huge part of me has to be put on hold for a little while because if I do anything that reminds me of him, it hurts way too much. I was told I need to feel the pain and let in sink in to really move on. But I don't want to feel this kind of pain anymore. I want to be able to enjoy the things I usually enjoy without thinking about him. I want the memories to go away so I can heal. Next time I promise myself I will not let anyone in the way I let him in. I refuse to give such a huge part of myself. The risk is greater than the reward. I cannot go through this again.