Why Me?

This has been a rough few days for me. Lately my joints have been tightening up, feet/legs have formed rashes/bruises and have started to swell, I'm conjested, and I've been coughing a lot. I figured it's probably because of the flare I had in Florida. But last night and today have been spent in unimaginable pain. I worked last night and could barely walk. This morning, there was fluid in my ear, my legs and feet were 3 times swollen, it hurt to move, and my chest felt like there was 50 lbs of ice sitting on it. I am so sick and tired of this Lupus bullshit. Doctors say the change of environment in FL probably triggered the flare, but c'mon on now! What the hell am I supposed to do? Never go out of Sacramento? Yesterday I broke down at work. I went outside in the cold, and just let out a good cry. I am in so much pain, and there is nothing I can do about it but grit my teeth and keep charging forward. My mom says God only dishes out things to people he knows can handle it. If that's true, I'm glad God thinks I'm tough enough to withstand the pain, but I really can't do it anymore. I hate when I do this, because the answer never comes out clearly, but I am asking "Why me?" What the hell did I do to deserve this? Was I that horrible of a person? Haven't I learned my lesson already? I've already made changes to try and be a better person. I try very hard to not use lupus as an excuse to get out of things. I dont take advantage of my disability. I try to be nice to everyone around me. I've stopped sleeping around. I eat better and take care of myself and mother. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME GOD?!?!?!?!?!?! I can't do this anymore. I'm so exhausted and I want to give up. I want a break from this physical pain. I don't know what else to do anymore. God, please end this pain...I'm not strong enough to handle what you're dishing out. I'm so tired, please just leave me alone God.