I'm Still Alive

Well...it's been a while bloggers, but I'm back. I was just released from the hospital a couple days ago from what had to be one of the closest moments to death I have ever had. My last blog had me complaining about my fatigue and struggles with lupus, and maybe I was being punished for being ungrateful for everything else I had going on in my life that God decided to punish me. That ear infection spread to my neck and face and blood. At 4am on Sunday, I woke up and realized my whole left side of my jaw and face completely swollen. By 8 am, my entire face had swollen ten times bigger to the point where I couldn't close my mouth, and I couldn't talk anymore. I was rushed to the ER and I knew it was really bad when the attendant looked up, saw me, BARELY took my info down and rushed me into a bed where they quickly stripped off my clothes, placed me in a gown and started going over my vitals and drawing blood. Things from there are kind of blurry. I remember them taking me to get a ct scan and me shivering so the nice man wrapped me in a heated blanket. Then I remember the doctor telling my mom they needed to sedate me so they can put a breathing tube in me in case the swelling would block my airways. I remember my mom crying because whenever I am in the hospital, she never cries and encourages me to stay strong. I remember telling the nurse to make sure my mom knew her way home because she's bad at directions, and the last thing I remember in the ICU was them telling me to just breathe.

I remember a lil bit from when I was sedated, I was biting my tongue, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt open my mouth to release my tongue and it was really painful. But I heard someone instruct someone else to put a bite guard in my mouth. And I also remember them putting in my catheter (sp?). The next time I came to, I was in the ICU and I remember looking for my mom. And the nurse said I already had 3 visitors and my mom would be back at 5. I then woke up to a priest standing over me, and I thought I had died and that was heaven (later on, I found out my mom asked for a priest to pray for me and then really hoping I wouldnt wake up while he was there so I wouldnt get scared.) A couple minutes later, I woke up again, and thought the nurse was the priest and I asked by writing on a piece of paper if he was a priest. I thought it was cool that he was doing double duty as priest and nurse.

I had some trippy dreams while being sedated. I remember of dreaming of being in a meadow and feeling peaceful and feeling the warmth of the sun. I also dreaming of a doorway with light shining through but not going anywhere near it because I had heard of that saying if you go into the light that means you die. I also dreamed of many many faces. It was like flashes of photos of people just flipped through like an album. It was creepy in the sense that I have a feeling those faces were of people who may have passed away in that room I was in, but I was comforted by those faces too...like they were helping me.

I finally was able to come fully to on Tuesday the 18th. I woke up to a swollen body and a very uncomfortable breathing tube. And a week later on the 25th, I was FINALLY released from the hospital. Im currently recuperating at home. I'm weak and swollen and cant move very well but I'm fighting through it. Hopefully it will be a quick recovery and I can be back to normal soon. = )

Why Me?

This has been a rough few days for me. Lately my joints have been tightening up, feet/legs have formed rashes/bruises and have started to swell, I'm conjested, and I've been coughing a lot. I figured it's probably because of the flare I had in Florida. But last night and today have been spent in unimaginable pain. I worked last night and could barely walk. This morning, there was fluid in my ear, my legs and feet were 3 times swollen, it hurt to move, and my chest felt like there was 50 lbs of ice sitting on it. I am so sick and tired of this Lupus bullshit. Doctors say the change of environment in FL probably triggered the flare, but c'mon on now! What the hell am I supposed to do? Never go out of Sacramento? Yesterday I broke down at work. I went outside in the cold, and just let out a good cry. I am in so much pain, and there is nothing I can do about it but grit my teeth and keep charging forward. My mom says God only dishes out things to people he knows can handle it. If that's true, I'm glad God thinks I'm tough enough to withstand the pain, but I really can't do it anymore. I hate when I do this, because the answer never comes out clearly, but I am asking "Why me?" What the hell did I do to deserve this? Was I that horrible of a person? Haven't I learned my lesson already? I've already made changes to try and be a better person. I try very hard to not use lupus as an excuse to get out of things. I dont take advantage of my disability. I try to be nice to everyone around me. I've stopped sleeping around. I eat better and take care of myself and mother. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME GOD?!?!?!?!?!?! I can't do this anymore. I'm so exhausted and I want to give up. I want a break from this physical pain. I don't know what else to do anymore. God, please end this pain...I'm not strong enough to handle what you're dishing out. I'm so tired, please just leave me alone God.