return (again) to the world of blogging

I forgot about my blog again, and my cousin reminded me of it yesterday at the thanksgiving party. probably at the perfect time too, because i've been struggling with something i feel i can't really show to people. last month, my grandmother passed away. i haven't felt the same ever since. i have this empty space in my soul and heart that i can't seem to fill. she's the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing i think about at night. i miss her so much. i see things that remind me of her everyday and it takes everything in my power not to break down and cry. but i can't express this to anyone, especially my mother. i already had a lupus flare because of the stress and depression from this tragedy. i have to stay strong for my family, esp my mom. she gets so sad and stressed when im sick. but im not superwoman. i have emotions that are full of ups and downs, but i can't allow them in. once again, lupus runs my life. i miss my grandma mary, and this thanksgiving was my first one without her. and it was the hardest thanksgiving of my life.