Extreme Guilt

My uncle passed away on the 23rd of December. When I was little, I was extremely scared of him because he's this huge guy with a loud booming voice and he just seemed so mean. But I saw his softer side when I was diagnosed with Lupus. From then on, he spoke softly around me, took care of me, and was constantly worried about my well being. His last words to me were "take care of yourself" which was what he always whispered to me when we said goodbye. He always told me to be strong and to never stop fighting. Not once did I ever think he would pass before me. I just always assumed that he took as much care of himself as he did with me and his family. During his viewing and funeral, everyone kept bringing up how he worried for me and how he was always concerned about my health. It got to the point where I couldn't look anyone in the eye anymore. I started to want to apologize everytime someone mentioned it. I'm sure they didn't mean for it to seem like they wanted it to be me dead instead of him, but I certainly feel that they expected me to pass away first. I don't really know what to do with that, because I'm glad that I'm surpassing the lupus sentence given to me. And I feel selfish for being glad that it wasn't me in the coffin. Yet I feel so guilty for something I have no control over...