Can People Change?

My license plate frame on the back of my car says, "If you're gonna be riding my ass, you better be pulling my hair." At the time, I was 20 and very stupid. I actually thought putting that on my car would make me come off as sexy. Now when I look at it, I am washed over with shame and I'm very disgusted with myself. It seems like it was a lifetime ago, but it really wasn't that long ago. I've done everything in my power to make myself a better person and I feel that I am. Except for my slip up with Sean, I stopped using sex as an escape from my problems. I confront my problems head on and I've stopped hiding and I feel stronger than ever before. And just when I've forgotten that person I used to be, I get a text message from some ex booty call asking to hook up. Because of choices I made in the past, I'm still percieved as a slut. What does a girl have to do to be looked at another way? Because of my mistakes, it's like I have no chance for redemption. I feel I've changed, but because others can't forget who I was, I feel like that holds me from really changing.

return (again) to the world of blogging

I forgot about my blog again, and my cousin reminded me of it yesterday at the thanksgiving party. probably at the perfect time too, because i've been struggling with something i feel i can't really show to people. last month, my grandmother passed away. i haven't felt the same ever since. i have this empty space in my soul and heart that i can't seem to fill. she's the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing i think about at night. i miss her so much. i see things that remind me of her everyday and it takes everything in my power not to break down and cry. but i can't express this to anyone, especially my mother. i already had a lupus flare because of the stress and depression from this tragedy. i have to stay strong for my family, esp my mom. she gets so sad and stressed when im sick. but im not superwoman. i have emotions that are full of ups and downs, but i can't allow them in. once again, lupus runs my life. i miss my grandma mary, and this thanksgiving was my first one without her. and it was the hardest thanksgiving of my life.